Free agent signings that won’t happen

It’s getting very close to time of year where free agents start signing with their new clubs, and there will be endless prognostications and rumors about who will go where.

That’s not what this post is about. This is about where the players should go. All the players are taken from MLB.com’s fantasy free agent game (no, I sadly didn’t make that up).

Barry Bonds, Yomiuri Giants

Clearly, American baseball fans don’t want him. The Hall of Fame doesn’t like him. Why not go after Sadaharu Oh’s all-time home run record in Japan?

Mike Cameron, San Francisco Giants

Why not replace one outfielder who’s been accused of juicing but never failed a drug test with an outfielder who’s actually failed a drug test?

Bartolo Colon, Montreal Expos

It’s happened before, why not again?

Francisco Cordero, New York Yankees

Hey, they’ll need someone to replace Mariano Rivera.

Tom Glavine, Philadelphia Phillies

Hey, he was already the Phillies’ MVP in 2007, he may as well play for them too.

Torii Hunter, New York Yankees

Johan Santana will be joining him there in a couple years.